


not today

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-04 00:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20462033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Even if it means nothing now, he wants to know that it meant something once.





	not today

Jeremy’s first day of senior year starts off the same as his first days at school usually do, except something’s... different. His shoulders stiffen, his grip tightens around the strap of his backpack and he lowers his head, keeping his eyes on the floor. (It’s irrational logic, but he believes that if he can’t see anyone, no one can see him.) This routine isn’t what’s different—it’s what he’s practiced since the first day of kindergarten. What _is_ different, though, is the palpable sense that someone is watching him.

Paranoia is nothing new to Jeremy. He’s been cautious of how he acts since forever because it always felt like eyes were on him. Deep down, however, Jeremy knows it’s all in his head. No one truly gives a shit about him, not unless he does something stupid (which, well, he did last year with the S.Q.U.I.P. and all that) or something heroic (which he definitely didn’t do, since it isn’t really heroic if you get rid of a problem _you_ caused, is it?). Right now, however, he swears he can feel a tangible presence behind him, following him.

He gulps and shivers as a bead of sweat trickles down his forehead. _Oh, God, is it..._

Jeremy quickly shakes his head. It can’t be Richard Goranski. Not only has that guy’s popularity plummeted, the reason why he exhibited such malice in the first place was only because of the S.Q.U.I.P. He’s just like Jeremy in that regard, although it discomforts Jeremy to be similar to Rich in any way.

It can’t be Jake Dillinger, either. Unlike Rich, Jake hasn’t met his downfall, if the countless flowers and get-well-soon cards were any indication. However, he never seemed to harbor any ill intent toward Jeremy, and Jeremy would like to believe that that would remain the case.

So who else could it be? Jeremy tries to think, but the rapid beating of his heart clouds his thoughts. He finds himself unable to breathe, as if those metal armors you find in video games encased themselves around him and squeezed him—hoping to crush him into smithereens. He squints through the pain, leaning on the lockers as he clutches his chest and groans.

It’s then that he feels a hand on his shoulder. By the way everything was hitting him at once, he wonders how he had been able to notice it when it had just been a soft tap, and now it was barely hovering over his shoulder. He stares at it for a moment, before he looks and sees who he’s guessing must have been the presence he had felt behind him.

Jeremy blinks. Once, then twice, then a countless number of times. If he blinks enough, maybe the scene in front of him would dissipate like the fantasy it _must_ be.

“Brooke?” Jeremy’s so surprised that the word comes out as a squeak, and he immediately turns around, faces her and straightens his back. “Um, what are you doing here?”

Brooke raises an eyebrow at him as she retracts her hand from his shoulder. “I go here.”

“Oh, right,” Jeremy rubs his neck sheepishly. “But uh, that’s not really what I meant? I mean, what I was trying to say was, um... what are you doing here? Oh wait, I already asked that, and I meant to rephrase my question, haha,” he breathes in sharply, trying to gather his thoughts, before speaking again. “Why did you... why are you talking to me?”

Brooke’s eyes widen, and for a moment, Jeremy sees a swirl of emotions in her eyes: anger, sadness, but they disappear before Jeremy can get close enough to determine if they were really there.

Brooke folds her arms, and backs away slightly. “Oh, so I guess I can’t be granted the privilege of talking to the great Jeremy Heere? Is that it?”

“That’s not what I meant!” Jeremy shakes his head and his hands vigorously and reaches out to her, but it’s too late. Brooke huffs, turns around and vanishes into the crowd.

Jeremy sighs.

What a _great_ start to senior year.

* * *

“I saw Brooke today,” Jeremy blurts out. He’s with Michael in Michael’s basement, seated on bean bags and playing video games, just as they always have. The whole incident might have caused a wedge between them, but over the summer, Jeremy managed to prove himself to Michael. (The process rendered Jeremy broke and he often wanted to complain about how unfair Michael’s conditions were, but it was worth it to get his best friend back.)

“Uh-huh,” Michael responds. Jeremy waits for more, until he realizes that Michael heard him, but wasn’t _listening_ to him. He’d have to say something a lot more controversial to get his attention.

“I’m still in love with Christine.”

“_What_?!” Michael accidentally tosses his controller into the air and swerves in order to catch it, sighing in relief when he does. He then twists his body toward Jeremy and narrows his eyes, pointing an accusing finger at him.

“Are you _crazy_? After every—”

“Chill, dude, I was just joking,” Jeremy laughs and pats Michael on the back. Michael watches him warily for a while before he relents, nodding as he presses pause on the video game.

“Okay, I’m guessing you need to tell me something since you just _falsely_ told me the shock—no, the _disappointment_ of the century. What is it?”

“I saw Brooke today.”

Michael pauses, thinking for a moment. “...And that’s relevant because...?”

“I don’t know,” Jeremy shrugs. He remembers the events of that morning and suddenly, the guilt that resulted from everything he had done to her returned in the form of sharp pieces of glass that each etched themselves into his heart. It was excruciating; each shard representing each horrible thing he had done to Brooke, slowly, slowly embedding themselves deeper and deeper.

“Jeremy?” Michael waves a hand in front of Jeremy’s face. “What’s wrong? You suddenly just zoned out.”

“Nothing, nothing,” Jeremy waves him off. “I just feel guilty, that’s all, considering... considering everything I’ve done.”

“Oh. That.” Michael smiles sympathetically, patting Jeremy’s back. “It’s not your fault. It’s all that S.Q.U.I.P.’s fault for making you do all that stuff in the first place.”

“I know...” Jeremy buries his hands in his hair and pulls at the strands. “I know, but... at the core of it all, it’s _my_ fault, you know?”

Michael pauses for a long, uncomfortable minute that seems to stretch out into several hours, causing a seed of insecurity to plant itself within Jeremy.

“...Yeah. I’m sorry, but... you’re right.”

That isn’t the answer Jeremy expected, but he knows it’s the answer he deserves.

* * *

_“Jeremy... what is it that you like about me?”_

_“Huh?” Jeremy turns to look at Brooke, surprised at the sudden noise that knocked him out of his daze. He had been talking to the S.Q.U.I.P. about where they would go next from here, and when Jeremy would stop lying to Brooke that he was actually interested in her. It just didn’t seem fair, especially since she’d already been through a bunch of heartbreaks, some in particular more painful than the others._

Don’t be so impatient. Patience is one of the virtues that will lead you to success. Unless you want to give up now, that is?

Of course not. _Jeremy’s eyebrows knit together, and he doesn’t notice Brooke staring at him, rubbing his hand with her thumb. She watches him stare off into the horizon with a disgruntled expression on his face and falters, removing her hand on his and leaning away._

_Jeremy notices this when he feels warmth that had been on his body seconds ago disappear. He looks at Brooke, and sees that the sides of her mouth are going upward, forming a smile—but Jeremy knows that’s not what Brooke Lohst smiles like._

_“I have to go, sorry,” she says, then hesitates before slowly reaching over and kissing him on the cheek. _

_As Brooke walks away, Jeremy feels it again: guilt._

Stop it. You humans get too attached too quickly. If you show too much affection toward her, breaking up with her will be more difficult. Unless you wish to change your objectives?

_Jeremy thinks for a moment. He glances at the direction in which Brooke had left, and ponders if he’d be willing to go any further, even at the risk of hurting the only girl who’s ever shown interest in him, and doesn’t see him as a disgusting pervert._

...No, _Jeremy decides._ Let’s keep going.

* * *

The next day, Jeremy sees Brooke at her locker.

He contemplates approaching her and striking a conversation, but decides against it—until Brooke turns and their eyes meet and it’s too late. Jeremy can’t look away.

Puffing up his chest, Jeremy walks toward Brooke with a smile on his face that twitches ever-so-slightly. She observes him as he closes the distance between them, but just as he arrives close enough for his words to reach her, she presses her books against her chest, scowls, and walks away.

Jeremy sighs and heads to his first class.

* * *

Jeremy doesn’t know why, but once he and Michael reach the basement, Michael doesn’t start up a video game. Instead he directs Jeremy toward his designated bean bag, sits on his own, then stares at him with his arms folded.

Jeremy laughs nervously. “What is it? You’re freaking me out here.”

Jeremy has all the reason to be freaking out. He doesn’t mean to call out Michael or anything, but he rarely ever takes anything seriously, often preferring the comfort of ridiculing others than facing the truth and handling it in a mature manner. Right now, however, he seems uncharacteristically solemn, and Jeremy feels anxiety building up inside him.

Finally, Michael closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then looks at Jeremy straight in the eye. “Are you in love with Brooke?”

Jeremy freezes as a distinct feeling of dread comes over him. “Wh-What? What gives you that idea?”

Michael shrugs. “I keep seeing you try to talk to her. It’s kinda pathetic, so I thought maybe I should talk to you about it. She clearly wants nothing to do with you, so why do you bother?”

Jeremy stiffens. Why _does_ he bother? He wasted what was definitely his last chance to make amends with Brooke during the first day of school, and any further action might cultivate into an even bigger mess that just hurts Brooke all over again. To make matters worse, since the S.Q.U.I.P. isn’t there anymore, it would all be his fault. So why does he bother?

Jeremy pores over the possible reasons. He thinks of Brooke’s smile, her laugh, the way she never lost hope that Jeremy would quit disregarding her and tossing her to the side and just _notice_ her for one second...

“...I don’t think I love her,” Jeremy decides. “I just think we could have really had something, you know?”

Michael raises an eyebrow. “The only reason you two got together was because of the S.Q.U.I.P.”

“I know that. I know that, but I also know she really, _genuinely_ cared about me, you know? So I just...” Jeremy swallows. “I just want to apologize. For everything.”

“Really? Is that it?”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

Michael sighs. A long, agonizing silence reigns over them until Michael unfolds his arms and claps his hands together.

“Well then! Let’s go get you the chance for that apology.”

“Thank you, but how are we supposed to do that?”

Michael furrows his eyebrows. “Are you _sure_ you two dated?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Where’s her favorite place?”

“_Oh._”

Huh. It hadn’t occurred to Jeremy that he could always visit Brooke at her favorite place, where they had made it official. Going back to where it all started, how nice.

* * *

Jeremy gets there before Brooke does, which is odd. It shouldn’t surprise him that much, of course, since they haven’t really interacted in a long time, but he still glances at his watch more often than not as his legs bounce up and down.

He’s about to give up when he hears the unmistakable sound of crying, followed by the appearance of the girl he’s wanted to talk to for so long now.

“Brooke?”

Brooke looks at Jeremy, startled. Jeremy looks at Brooke, concerned. Brooke appears as though she had just been completely and utterly destroyed—her hair is a mess, tears continue to drop out of her eyes, and her nose is red and snot is coming out of it, although she tries to sniff and prevent that from happening.

“J-Jeremy?” Brooke quickly tries to wipe her tears away with her sleeve. “Wh-Wh-What—” she sniffs, “—are you doing here?”

Jeremy doesn’t answer. He moves forward and embraces her, running his hands through her hair in an attempt to comfort her. He feels her stiffen but eventually relax, crying against his chest.

They stay like that for a moment, until Brooke pulls away. She still looks like a mess, but for the most part, the tears have disappeared.

“Sorry about that,” she says, gesturing at the wet blotches on Jeremy’s shirt.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. What’s more important is, what happened? Are you okay?”

Brooke opens her mouth, but then closes it and shakes her head. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Are you sure?”

Brooke glares at Jeremy. “_Yes_, I’m sure. Besides, do you really think you have the right to know?”

“Uh, I didn’t say anything—”

“No, you don’t. Not after... not after everything you’ve done.”

Brooke wraps her arms around herself, and Jeremy sees her eyes become teary once again. He reaches out to her.

Brooke notices and moves backward a little, just barely out of Jeremy’s reach. “_Don’t_.”

And with that, she walks away, leaving Jeremy to realize that maybe he should have just left things the way they were, instead of making things a million times worse.

* * *

It’s been weeks since the day Jeremy tried to apologize to Brooke and failed miserably. It’s a Friday night, which usually means he’d be sleeping over at Michael’s house, but instead he’s lying down on his bed, staring at the ceiling, and wallowing in pity for himself. He really should have known Brooke no longer saw him as anything other than deplorable.

Sighing, Jeremy decides it’s time to sleep. He gets up and heads toward the light switch, but before he could turn it off, he hears his father call his name from downstairs.

“Jeremy! Someone’s here for you!”

Jeremy pauses. Who could be here for him at this hour? Still, although he considered it, he doubts his father’s lying. Most of the pranks he pulls on his son transpire in the morning because the last time they happened at night, Jeremy was so terrified he refused to go to school for a week and only talked to Michael. (Well, he _was_ seven years old, so maybe he could get a pass for that.)

After a few more shouts that beckoned Jeremy to come downstairs, Jeremy relents and does as he was told.

“Who is it?” Jeremy asks once he reaches the bottom of the staircase.

“Your... well,” Mr. Heere comes closer and whispers, “your girlfriend, I’m guessing?”

“What?” Jeremy laughs in disbelief and supposes that alright, his father is _definitely_ pulling a prank on him, until he hears someone clear their throat and he turns to face them.

Jeremy feels his heart get caught up in his throat.

“Hi,” Brooke waves, a small, tentative smile on her face. “I was thinking we could talk, maybe?”

“Uh, sure, just—” Jeremy turns to ask for permission from his father, but he isn’t there anymore. _Looks like he already granted it_. “...Follow my lead.”

Jeremy climbs up the stairs, and Brooke follows suit. They reach the door to his bedroom and Jeremy opens it, allowing Brooke to go in first before subsequently going in as well.

“So this is your room, huh?” Brooke observes the atmosphere and Jeremy gulps, suddenly self-conscious. “It’s kinda funny that in all the time we were together, we never visited each other’s houses.”

Jeremy laughs nervously as he rubs his neck. “Ahahaha, yeah, you’re... you’re right.”

They’re silent for a bit. Jeremy watches as Brooke takes in his room slowly, then eventually settles on top of his bed. She looks at him, and taps the spot beside her.

“Come on, this is your own room. Don’t look so scared,” she says, giggling a bit.

Jeremy gulps, unable to believe Brooke isn’t still mad at him, but sits beside her anyway.

“So, um... what did you come here for?”

“Michael told me.”

Jeremy freezes. “What?”

“Michael told me, and I thought that maybe I should give you another chance.”

“Oh.” Jeremy loosens up at those words. “Well then, uh. Brooke, I just wanted to apologize for—”

“And I just want to tell you that your apology won’t really mean anything.”

Jeremy blinks. “Huh?”

Brooke turns, so that her entire body is facing Jeremy. “I know you’re a good guy, Jeremy. I didn’t want to forgive you because it felt like it wouldn’t be fair to myself, but then I realized it wouldn’t be fair to you, and that isn’t a good thing. I mean... we’ve both been used, haven’t we? In different ways, sure, but at its core, it’s the same.”

Jeremy thinks back on what it was like to have a super computer lodged in his brain. Sure, on the outside, he seemed powerful, but inside he felt like a puppet being used for someone else’s personal gain. And, in truth, he was.

“Yeah,” Jeremy nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Brooke smiles empathetically. “Yeah. So anyway, I wanted to talk to you on the first day of school, and when I found you, you looked like you were in pain, so I tried to help you. But you looked so surprised that I just... I just felt like you didn’t want me to talk to you, and I was stupid for trying to.”

Jeremy frowns. “Brooke, I—”

“Shh,” Brooke shakes her head, “let me finish. So, I thought about it more, and suddenly I began to think that if you didn’t want to talk to me, then that must mean that even without the S.Q.U.I.P., you’re still mean, and selfish, and I shouldn’t want anything to do with you. But then I saw you... and you saw me while I was crying, and instead of just walking away, you actually comforted me.”

“Of course I did.” Jeremy smiles slightly and feels his hand twitch, as if it wanted to reach over and tuck Brooke’s hair under her ear. (It did. _Jeremy_ did.) “But, um... were you crying because of me?”

“Well, no. I cried because even if Chloe apologized, she still treats me like I’m second best, and that just...” Brooke sniffs, as though fighting to hold back tears. “But that’s not what’s important. I realized I was unfairly lashing out at you, so... after a _lot_ of contemplation, I decided to come over to your house and apologize, and to tell you that I forgive you, too.”

She reaches over and places a hand on Jeremy’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. She gives him a small smile, and Jeremy feels his heart leap out of his chest.

“Thank you,” he whispers. “But I didn’t just want to apologize to you.”

Brooke tilts her head. “What else did you want to do, then?”

“I just wanted to know if...” Jeremy takes a deep breath. “If you really loved me.”

Brooke takes a moment to process what he said, but once she realizes it, she takes back her hand from his, outraged. “_What_? You think everything I did for you and everything I felt for you was fake, then? I cannot believe—”

“No no no, that’s not what I meant! Please, don’t misunderstand, I just... I just wanted to know if I truly did make the mistake of the century, letting go of a girl like you.”

_That_ was the point of it all. Jeremy’s still conflicted about whether or not he’s really, truly in love with Brooke, but whenever he reminisces about the time they spent together and forgets that the S.Q.U.I.P. ever existed, he begins to feel something blooming inside of him.

Even if it means nothing now, he wants to know that it meant something once.

“Well...” Brooke’s hand moves slowly, finding its way back to Jeremy’s. “We could always try again, if you aren’t sure.”

“Wh-What do you mean?”

Brooke doesn’t answer. Instead, she uses her other hand to hold Jeremy’s cheek and leans in, landing a short kiss on his lips.

“That,” she says.

“Oh. Okay.” Jeremy grins and tightens his grip on Brooke’s hand and, although he’s shaking (from nervousness or excitement, he doesn’t know), he leans in and gives Brooke a kiss as well.

“Okay.” Brooke beams at him. They each wrap their arms around the other and fall on the bed, closing their eyes.

“Oh, and Brooke?”

“Yeah?”

“Even if you’re second best to others, you’ll always be the best to me.”

Brooke giggles at this and hugs Jeremy even tighter, and even if Jeremy can barely breathe, he doesn’t complain. He isn’t sure if it’s because of how tight Brooke’s hugging him or if it’s because of how exhilarating everything that’s happening right now is, anyway. (It’s probably both.)

Despite the pure bliss Jeremy feels right now, he can’t shake the feeling that someday, it’ll all fall apart. Someday, they won’t be together anymore.

Jeremy can’t stop himself from worrying, but as Brooke falls asleep in his arms, he can reassure himself that that day is not today.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment and tell me what you think. Also, you can find me on Tumblr @rianescre :)


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